These Movies Will Suck: Remakes
This is the first of a three (or maybe four) part post. Although I could easily be proven wrong by box office receipts, I really don’t see a lot of quality films coming out of Hollywood. Unless you like remakes, sequels or vampires there won’t be much reason for you to head to the theater in next 6 months. First up… the remakes.
Remakes
I’m beginning to think Hollywood is allergic to original ideas Big wig executives seem to be scrambling for the rights of any crappy 80’s TV show they can get their hands on. They’re even rehashing movies that have had decent closure or weren’t even that good to begin with. Get real.
Nightmare on Elm Street
Freddy without Wes Craven is like Mac without Cheese
Two words… Micheal Bay. Two more words… Samuel Bayer.
Read on. You know you want to.
Having Micheal Bay produce a horror flick is like using me as your gynecologist. It’s just inappropriate. Combine that with director Samuel Bayer who’s biggest claim to fame is a Blink 182 video and you’ve got the makings of a loud, mind numbing romp of boobies, gore and explosions (of course). I was never a huge fan of the original movies but always thought Freddy Krueger was one scary dude. The only saving grace of this film will be the likely remarkable performance of Jackie Earle Haley as the immortal Freddie. It’s the only part of the trailer that gave me chills.
If I made this movie, it would be a deep and dark psychological thriller focusing on Freddy’s origins (much like Rob Zombie’s Halloween reboot). Nothing creepier than a kiddie toucher. I’d place the movies in the 60’s and cinematographically (which isn’t a word) juxtapose the waning innocence of the 1950’s with the tumultuous era of the late 1960’s. Krueger would represent that corruption. But hey, no one sees fit to ask me.
A-Team
It's funny that the van is as much of a character as everyone else
Oh sure, I can’t wait to see Jessica Biel’s sweet ass on the big screen but as an Army general? Really? Not to mention the A-Team movie will be predictably boring. Hell, every show was exactly the same (except for the one episode with Boy George… that was just weird) why would the movie be any different. A general? How is that even possible?
If I HAD to make this movie, I’d concentrate most of my efforts on the casting. So far, Bradley Cooper is the ONLY person cast correctly as “Face”. The rest just falls apart. I’m a big Liam Neeson fan but I just can’t see him as Hannibal. And, to update the movie, I’d simply find a new Mr. T. Let’s face it, BA Baracus wasn’t so much of a character as much as it was Mr. T being insane. Just casting some big black dude with a mohawk in the role kinda misses the point.
A general? Oh come on, now.
The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid wasn’t that good of a movie the first time around. Or the second. Or the third. Oh yeah.. or the fourth time. This will technically be the fifth film (don’t call it a sequel) and of course, the only one without Pat Morita (he died in 2005). Instead we get buddy film with Jackie Chan and more of Will Smith pimping his kid Jayden.
Oddly, IMDB has this movie listed as Kung Fu Kid. Apparently, Karate is so000 1984.
Other Movies That Are Barely Worth Writing About
A Christmas Carol – the trailer reminds me of the promo reel from Scrouged (with Bill Murray). You know, the one that gave the old lady a heart attack.
The Crow – Beyond the obvious sanctity of Brandon Lee’s final movie, this thriller wasn’t the best movie. Crows really aren’t that creepy.
The Green Hornet – Seth Rogan may be the only saving grace of this film.. fact is I know nothing about the Green Hornet except it’s a TV show from before I was born.
Hey, Hollywood! How about growing some balls and remaking some quality films. Why not remake The Conversation and update it with a total high tech edge? And with all your recent Vampire fascination, why not remake Fright Night (an excellent movie from start to finish).
Filed by Mr. Joshua at October 11th, 2009 under The Big Screen